new wine

New year, new you. It is something I have heard often. I’ve always liked the sound of it but never really experienced it. This new year I am experiencing it. I get to start the year off with a new home, new neighborhood, new community, new job and new me.  

I started 2018 in a relationship that I firmly believe would lead to marriage, yet over time realized it was taking me away from community, stealing my joy and led me to a very dark place. Amid this pain, God prepared me for where I am now. I was able to lead NWA Young Life while my boss and dear friend Robyn healed from cancer. I felt completely inadequate but saw him work in my weakness. I watched him use my story in the lives of others with my very own eyes. I’m leaving insecurity, mistakes, pain, depression and anxiety in 2018.

My phrase for 2019 is new wine. God has brought me to a place of newness so that he can continue to make me new. To make me stronger. To draw me closer to his heart and show his faithfulness and care to me. To make me more like his son, Jesus.

The lyrics to the song  New Wine by Hillsong Worship are perfectly adequate.

In the crushing
In the pressing
You are making
New wine
In the soil, I
Now surrender
You are breaking
New ground

So I yield to You and to Your careful hand
When I trust You I don't need to understand

Make me Your vessel
Make me an offering
Make me whatever You want me to be
I came here with nothing
But all You have given me
Jesus, bring new wine out of me

Click here to listen

Psalm 16:5-6,11

“Lord, you alone are my portion and my cup; you make my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance...You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.”

Luke 5:36
“no one pours new wine into old wineskins. Otherwise, the new wine will burst the skins; the wine will run out and the wineskins will be ruined. No, new wine must be poured into new wineskins."

Thank you, Jesus, for new mercies every morning. For grace. For new beginnings. May you bring new wine out of me.

advent

The lyrics to this well-known Christmas song have been the theme to what I am dwelling on this advent season.

Lately things have just been hard. I've seen girls that I work with experience some heartbreaking things. People close to me have experienced loss. I've known people to take their own lives away and others who have wondered if their lives are worth living. I've seen people who live with much and others who live with very little.

It is honestly overwhelming. However, these experiences could not have come at a better time. It is the season of advent that brings perspective. It is the season that we remember the specific reason we celebrate the birth of Christ.

The long-awaited savior came into this world in the most unexpected way. He was born into a situation which seemed so unfortunate but could not be any more beautiful.

This baby brought light.

His entrance to the world brought hope to all people. His light shined brightly in the darkness.

Things felt different. They felt better.

This baby changed everything.

This season of advent has helped me realize all over again that the birth of Jesus brought hope for the world.

As a follower of Jesus, with his spirit in me, have the ability to share that same hope in this world that feels dark with sad things happening day after day. 

This spirit that resides in us as believers brings peace in the midst of chaos,  joy in sadness, hope when all feels lost. 

In this dark world the spirit in us brings light.

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Suddenly, an angel of the Lord appeared among them, and the radiance of the Lord’s glory surrounded them. They were terrified, but the angel reassured them. “Don’t be afraid!” he said. “I bring you good news that will bring great joy to all people. The Savior—yes, the Messiah, the Lord—has been born today in Bethlehem, the city of David! Luke 2:9-11 

my anything story

Two years ago, I just moved to Little Rock, Arkansas from Jonesboro, AR. I spent my first year out of college teaching in Jonesboro, AR. Nothing in me felt settled there so I moved to Little Rock with full expectation to become settled, to become complete. I was moving into my second year of teaching in a wonderful school. My family was close by. Several of my friends were in Little Rock. Everything was going to be perfect (or so I thought). Instead, it was the opposite. There was a hole, a longing inside of me that I could not for the life of me meet on my own.

During this transition, I was reading the book Anything by Jennie Allen. It was hard-hitting in the best way. I was moved by the way that her and her husband both pray earnestly, seeking God and telling him that they would do ANYTHING for him, for his glory. That small prayer moved them in marvelous ways.. so much joy was beheld by them. The Lord was using their lives in ways they never dreamed of before. I wanted that for myself.

  On June 11, 2013. I prayed the prayer of anything. Little did I know that within only two years my  life would look completely different, in the best way possible. I wrote it down and I am so thankful that I did so that I could share it with you.

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Anything.

A prayer that will lead me from pride, selfishness, insecurity, fear, anxiousness, and much more. 

Over a bridge (that involves a face-plant, surrender of control, humiliation...and other difficult things- it is a challenge and a test of faith.

BUT. It will lead me to fall into God's steady arms. Into peace. Into undeserved grace, confidence, blessings, joy and things that are OF HIM.

I do not know what God wants my life to look like. I know what I want it to look like, but let's be real. God has called me to live above reproach. Not to be average. He has a high calling for me. I want it now--  I want to skip over the mistakes I have made and skip over the rebellion I feel in my heart to get there-- but I have to walk in his ordered steps to get there. 

I pray against my wandering, rebellious heart - Replace it with you. I desire for my heart to be full of passion and confidence in you -- and for a heart that longs to know you more.

Please help me get to know you better. 

To become acclimated in Little Rock and feel as if I belong somewhere here.

To build meaningful relationships with people -- friendships, family.

To give up my "want" or constant desire of husband and to place it in your hands, giving you complete control and trusting you in that area.

Thank you for chasing me and for waiting on me to come back to you. Lead me in your ways - the way you designed specifically for me.

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The prayer was not answered immediately. The following year after I prayed that prayer was difficult but so good. I eventually found my place in Little Rock, however, made mistakes and lacked authentic community. I felt restless with what I was doing with my life. I had my dream job, with a cute apartment and fun friends but something just wasn't right.

It was in November of that year that the Lord started to change things. 

I went to the Love Does conference in Austin, TX where I met Jennie Allen and began reading Restless. The next five months afterward served as a beautiful story of the Lord drawing me toward him and leading me down a path of true joy. To hear more about that story, click here.

Here I am, almost two years to the day that I prayed surrendering myself to the Lord.

A few big things have happened...

I moved away from Little Rock back to Fayetteville, AR, where I feel more at home than anywhere else.

I stepped out of teaching in order to go into full time ministry with YoungLives. I get to love on teen moms and help develop this ministry in all of Arkansas. I get to pursue a ministry that my heart is passionate about.

I left friendships in Little Rock that I love and still maintain but have stepped into a beautiful community in Fayetteville. I am loved, known, supported and prayed for.

I no longer feel the need to strive to fill a desire through gaining the approval of others, making mistakes, or in other ways. My heart is settled and filled with joy and peace because it has found its home in him alone.

I no longer feel restless. I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

He met me where I was (which was messy) and beckoned my heart toward him. He has answered every prayer. He has met every deep desire. He has provided every need.


My heart is grateful because He is faithful.

I stand in awe of what he has done. 

the warmth of the sun

 At last, a winter snow made it to Fayetteville. After being trapped inside for a few days I drove around and noticed something.

I noticed the way that even on a 30 degree day the ice and snow were melting to the warmth of the sun. All of the places that were exposed to the sun were completely dry. The icy parts in the shadows were still solid but slowly melting.

I think that is how God works in the lives of his people.

 Even in the coldness of our hearts and minds, his love, like the warmth of the sun touches us and changes us. As we are fully exposed to his light we are filled with his warmth and the layers fall. Even as we are in the shadows with what feels like no light at all, his love still reaches us and slowly melts, layer by layer, our hearts of stone. 

His love meets us where we are and beckons us toward him.

This strong, warm love is displayed to me each day as I work for YoungLives. Every day there is a new realization of how small I am and how I get to be a part of something big. I am a part of God's story as he is shedding his light on the lives of the teen moms I have come to know and love.

My friends have stories that are hard. Their stories are more difficult than I could have ever thought or imagined. Beyond anything I can do to repair. However, God began the process of repairing long ago. Even in the dark, difficult shadows these girls are facing, he shines his light on them in many gentle and powerful ways. His story is being written and I can trust him fully knowing he makes all things beautiful.

christmas

As Christmas-time is approaching and through celebrating Advent, I cannot help but think of how the story of Mary relates to the story of teen moms involved with YoungLives. My favorite thing about Mary is her response to it all. She was young. She wasn’t married yet. She was probably afraid of how others around her would respond. I imagine if it were me, I would ask God to choose someone else, but she did the opposite. Her response was a beautiful way to receive and obey what the Lord is asking her to do. “My soul magnifies the Lord, and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, for he has looked on the humble estate of his servant. For behold, from now on all generations will call me blessed; for he who is mighty has done great things for me, and holy is his name. Luke 1:46-49. What faith!

I always think of the teen moms I serve as I think about Mary. It sometimes seems unfortunate. It often seems like it is wrong for a girl to have a baby at such a young age. It is a perspective that is understandable, however it is important to remember, it is all a part of God’s plan. I think of Samantha. I have had the privilege of getting to know her over the past few months as she was in the midst of her pregnancy. At 15 years old, she has admitted that she was afraid. When asked if she could change anything, she would have waited. However, she knows that she was chosen by God to give birth to her baby, Isaac. She gave birth to him a little over a week ago and has shown show much strength and has been fearless. The love she has for her baby boy is big. The love she has for him is a picture to me of the way Christ loves us. The name Isaac means laughter, I know that he was named that for a reason. I truly believe that Isaac will bring joy to Samantha as she raises him.

While reading a devotional from She Reads Truth today, it said “Whether you bear the title of mother, sister, professional, teacher, friend, neighbor—there is nothing common about the unique calling God has placed on your life or that dream that he has planted inside of your being.” I want to seek out and receive the calling that God has placed on my life. I want to take joy in being obedient to it, just as Mary and Samantha have taught me.

full circles

so much can change in one year...

     It's hard to believe that it was one year ago today I took a few vacation days so that I could spend time with three of my most treasured friends in Texas for Love Does Austin. I will never forget the peace I felt as we walked in. The smiles on all of the volunteers faces and the general spirit of everyone there put me at ease. The spirit of God covered the place in an authentic and tangible way.

hanging out with Bob Goff

      Last week I was asked to share the high point of my last year, and without question I mentioned this experience. The conference allowed for us to spend time in community with people who are pursuing Jesus and following his purpose for their life.




   




 
Jordan described the experience in such a perfect way...

"At Love Does Austin I was challenged, inspired, messed up, and encouraged. If you want to be inspired look up the following people who are living their lives for others in compelling and passionate ways - Bob Goff, Rebekah Lyons, Jamie Tworkowski (To Write Love on Her Arms), Theron Humphrey, Sleeping at Last (musicians), Amena Brown, Mike Foster, John Cotton Richmond, Veronica Tutaj, Jeremy Cowart, Jon Acuff, David Crowder..."

All of their stories were unique and beautiful- showing just how creative and strategic God is as he gifts the people of the church with various talents, abilities and passions.

   

        Out of all of the speakers, Veronica Tutaj stood out to me the most. Veronica is on staff with Young Life in Texas and serves as the YoungLives Regional Coordinator for the Lone Star area. She shared a story about a teen mom who was pregnant with her second child. Out of fear and anxiety, she chose not to have the baby. Veronica and other women in the area walked with her through such a heartbreaking time. That summer, she went to camp and met Jesus. I had chills down my spine and a fountain of tears running down my face as I heard a story of God's pursuit toward this teen mother. In that moment, the Lord was at work in my heart and mind and had no idea that three days later, I would be asked to consider leaving my career as a teacher in order to serve on staff as the YoungLives coordinator. 

    After she spoke,  I walked up to Veronica to give her a hug and thanked her for what she was doing in the lives of the girls. I told her how much I love YoungLives and I only wished to be involved again. Little did I know that within a year this wish would come true.

one year later

   I am moving into my third month of living in Fayetteville and serving as the NWA YoungLives Coordinator. The Lord has allowed me to step back into the lives of the girls that I met four years ago as a volunteer leader. He has also allowed me to begin walking with girls that are soon to be or new mothers. He is at work in this area and it is so much fun to be a part of it again. Just last week, I had a conference call for YoungLives with everyone in the Southern Division. Veronica shared some wisdom and I couldn't help but smile. We are now on the same team. 

       So many things have happened between one year ago and now, but it is truly incredible to be able to see the hand of God clearly at work in my life. What a joy it is to celebrate moments in life that come full circle. 

       I have come to adore how God works in ways that are so far above ours. He knows our hearts, our deepest passions and has a vast amount of joy to give to us if we just offer ourselves to Him.

joy

"True joy is found when you are in the middle of God's will."

This statement is one that I heard several years ago from the pastor in the church where I grew up. That phrase has stuck with me for all of these years and I feel like I finally understand it.

Joy. 

A deeply-rooted sense of joy is filling my soul to the point of happy tears. I want to fully experience every moment of this season and carry it with me for years to come.

This joy that I am experiencing is fresh and new. I can see how the Lord has written my story. I can see how things that have happened in the past are beginning to make sense. I do not know what lies ahead but I know right here, right now, I am exactly where I belong. I am beyond grateful.

belong- to fit in a specified place or environment.

Over the past few years the feeling of belonging was something that I longed for but never could find.  Now, I can honestly say that I am where I belong. I belong in Fayetteville, Arkansas. I belong on YoungLife staff. I belong in my cute little cozy cottage. I belong in my church. I belong in my community group. I belong in the lives of the young moms that I've known and those that I will continue to meet.

This joy I have received is one that I have never experienced before. It is one that does not rely on circumstances. It is a gift that comes straight from Jesus. He promises us a full life when we offer ourselves to him.